"Okay"

Well, this is going to be an adventure to say the least. Things aren't really over between Daniel and I but things aren't really anything between us either. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes and I have taken a few wrong turns, but I had always hoped that the road would loop back around and eventually we (Daniel, Riley and I) would be back on course. I am not sure this is happening, I am at that stage in the drive where I really am not sure if I am going the completely wrong direction or if I am headed to my destination but in a round about way. I was doing good this morning, besides the fact that I was really worried about a work road trip that had taken Daniel over 3 snowy passes late at night, I was still doing okay. It wasn't until he came here after work and then I broke down. I want so much to be a family, to grow old and have grandchildren come and visit us in our home that we own and to just know that we are in this together, forever. I want Riley to know what a real family is, I want to emulate a real relationship filled with honesty and trust, love and generosity, I want us to be a team and to be rich with love and that is all I really want. Of course I want security and stability but that is the easy part. I am now finding that no matter how much I want our life to be wonderful and no matter how hard I try or how many times I forgive and forget, no matter what I do, I can not do for anyone but me. I can not want for anyone but me and I can not make something happen by myself when it takes the will and the drive of two people, no matter how strong my drive is it isn't enough. I am just leaving it in God's hands at this point. I know that I have done my best, I know that I can look back in 13 years or 23 years or 33 years or whenever Riley wants to know what went wrong between his mama and daddy and I can say with a clear conscience and a pure heart that I wanted nothing more than for things to go right...that I was ready and willing to go to any length to make amends for my mistakes and to make a beautiful life for us with his daddy and as a true family. I will continue to keep driving on, to keep going and see where I end up, but today marks the first night that I don't expect for Riley's daddy to come home and crawl into our bed and that I am quite certain I won't wake up to him in the morning. Tonight has brought a lot of tears, certainly making up for my emotional strength this morning, but tonight my heart is broken because it's real now. It's real and it's hard and there's nothing I can do to change it, because believe you me, I have tried. I know everything will be okay, I am strong and beautiful, I am brave and loyal. I have a huge heart and the most precious beautiful son on the planet, so I know things will be okay. I know I am blessed, we all have our life and our health we all have our essentials and we have so many people that do love us. Everything is going to be okay, but that doesn't change the fact that right now, this moment, the unknown is hard to swallow.
Riley,
I love you baby boy. I love you with all of my heart and I want the best for you no matter what. Everyday we will take one at a time and we will listen really hard for God to guide us and for us to go where He is leading us. We will be okay, because we have each other, we have so many people that love us and because we have God and he is taking care of us each step of the way. Even when we make wrong turns, he is there with us on the detours. XOXO Never forget that your mama loves you and always know that I have done my very best, that I have tried to move mountains to make sure that things are right for you, for me, for all of us. XOXO Mama